


Letting Go is Progress

by BucksomeBarnes (Freckled_Halos)



Series: the Assembled Avengers Initiative [14]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blow Jobs, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Feel-good, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, M/M, Massage, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Pet Names, Voice Kink, kind of???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-23 23:29:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16628567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freckled_Halos/pseuds/BucksomeBarnes
Summary: Bucky wants to try to let go a little...and Steve is more than encouraging.





	Letting Go is Progress

Flopping down onto their backs, breathy and sweaty, Steve and Bucky looked tiredly at each other.

“It always drives me crazy, seeing you like that,” Bucky started, voice thick as he ran his fingers across Steve’s lips. “Just completely gone and begging for it.”

“It’s all because of you, sugar,” Steve answered, languidly kissing one of Bucky’s fingertips.

Bucky smiled and hummed. “Well, it’s my pleasure.”

“Oh, I know.” Steve gave him a cheeky grin and ran a finger along Bucky’s cum-streaked stomach.

Bucky groaned playfully and closed his eyes.

They eventually got out of bed to clean themselves up before putting on fresh pajamas and settling back under the covers.

Steve propped his head up with a hand and bent elbow, looking at Bucky lying next to him. “You know, you used to get that way sometimes too, when you were feeling really good.”

Bucky glanced over at Steve before switching his lamp off, sending the room into darkness. He just said, “Yeah.”

“Is there…is there anything I can do? To get you there?”

Bucky let out a long breath. “Honestly? I don’t know, Steve.”

Shifting onto his back, Steve asked, “Do you want to?”

There was a long pause before Bucky finally cleared his throat and answered quietly. “I don’t know.”

Steve stared at the ceiling, his eyes starting to adjust to the darkness. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

The bed creaked as Bucky rolled over to his side, back towards Steve. “No.”

“Okay.” Steve let out a quiet breath and turned away, staring at the dresser against the wall near his side of the bed.

He heard Bucky let out a shaky sigh before they both drifted into silence and then sleep.

\--

Steve didn’t mention anything about their conversation in the following days, but he could tell Bucky was in his own head more than usual. He wasn’t cold, but distant. Distracted, almost. Steve thought about bringing it it up a handful of times, but knew that if he said anything before Bucky was ready to talk, it was only going to end in frustration.

The following Tuesday morning, Steve and Bucky were walking out of the training room on the fourth floor of the facility, sweaty and smelly. Sam and Clint walked behind them, making casual conversation and laughing lightly.

They all got into the elevator, but Bucky was quiet until both Sam and Clint had stepped out at their floor.

“You know what we were talking about the other night? About…me?” Bucky asked gently.

Steve nodded.

“I think…I think I do want to try. To get to that point. To let go a little.” He took a deep breath. “I think I’ve been punishing myself a little, subconsciously. Part of me just feels like because of all the horrible shit I’ve done, I don’t deserve to really feel that…good. And after everything that’s been fucked up in my brain, part of me is also afraid to let go that much.”

Steve stared at Bucky with an intent expression. “That’s really self-aware of you, Buck.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“I mean it,” Steve continued. “It’s good. It’s a good thing.”

“I’ve been trying to actually listen to the psychiatrist,” he mumbled, looking away.

Steve smiled and rubbed a hand up and down Bucky’s back. “That’s great, sugar. I’m proud of you.”

“You know,” Bucky started, giving Steve a teasing glare. “ _You’re_ supposed to see her too.”

Steve removed his hand and scoffed. Seeing Bucky’s serious face, Steve softened, replying, “No, you’re right. I…should.”

Bucky just gave him an unconvinced look.

“Have you thought about how you’d feel safest getting there?” Steve asked as the elevator doors slid open.

“Nothing too…extreme,” Bucky answered, slightly embarrassed. “But…I do feel safest around you.”

Steve smiled to himself as Bucky put his flesh thumb on the lock of their door. It clicked open and they stepped inside, leaving their water bottles in the kitchen and turning down the hall towards the bedroom.

“What about a massage or something?” Steve asked, peeling his damp tank top off. “Something tame where you don’t have to worry about getting me off—we can just focus on you.”

“That might work,” Bucky trailed off, stepping out of his shorts.

“You just let me know, okay?” Bucky looked up to see Steve staring at him, open and genuine.

“Okay. Maybe we could try this weekend.”

Steve’s eyes lit up. “Sure, Buck. Whatever you want.”

\--

Steve couldn’t wait for the weekend. On Friday afternoon, he walked up behind Bucky who was sitting on a stool at the kitchen island, typing on his computer.

Wrapping his arms around Bucky’s shoulders, Steve leaned over, kissing along Bucky’s neck and nipping at an ear.

“How’re you feeling today?” Steve husked.

Bucky sighed lightheartedly and closed his laptop, smirking, “Who wants to know?”

“Oh, just someone who loves you.”

Scoffing and rolling his eyes playfully, Bucky swiveled around to face Steve, faces impossibly close. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

Steve smiled, kissing Bucky’s forehead. “Just a little dizzy for you, sugar. Wanna make sure you’re happy and feeling good.”

“Is that right?”

“Yep.” Steve dotted Bucky’s face with light kisses, sliding his hands slowly up and down Bucky’s arms.

Bucky glanced down to the increasing bulge in Steve’s sweatpants, biting his lip. He slipped a hand down, Steve sucking in a surprised breath in response.

“Wait,” Steve started, stepping away. “No, today’s all about you.”

“Okay,” Bucky said quietly. “Let’s do it.”

Steve beamed at him and the anxiety coiled up in Bucky’s stomach relaxed the tiniest bit. Pulling him gently off the stool, Steve led Bucky into the bedroom, letting go of his hand only to grab a few extra towels from the closet.

“Do whatever you need to do,” Steve said as he threw back the duvet and covered their sheets. “I’m ready when you are.”

“Okay…” Bucky trailed off, shy from the attention. He went into the bathroom and took a quick shower, keeping his hair pulled back and dry. When Bucky opened the door, a towel wrapped around his hips, Steve was all set up. Crackling Artie Shaw rolled out of their stereo, low and familiar, and the blinds on the window were at an angle that filled the room with a comforting orange glow. Steve himself was just in his boxer briefs and a t-shirt, sitting expectantly on the side of the bed.

He held up a bottle. “I got some actual massage oil,” Steve started, looking at it with an intent expression. “It came highly recommended.”

Bucky snorted a laugh. “By who? Who’re you hangin’ out with, Steve?”

“Natasha,” he answered, giving Bucky a grin.

Bucky’s eyebrows raised. “I—yeah, okay.”

“Come lay down,” Steve said, patting the middle of the bed lightly.

“Do you even know what you’re doing?” Bucky teased as he approached, standing between Steve’s splayed knees.

“No,” Steve replied, lighthearted. “But…” he took a gentle hold of the towel at Bucky’s waist, pulling lightly until it fell to the ground. “I know what you like.”

Bucky’s cock jumped slightly and Steve looked up at him with a smug expression.

“Lay on your back,” Steve said, sliding over to let Bucky climb onto the bed and do just that. “Okay, sugar, just close your eyes and relax. I’ve got you.”

Bucky let out a long breath, doing as he was told. They had definitely had sex after Bucky’s HYRDA programming had been erased from his mind, so he wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. It was the mindlessness that Bucky feared. The _want_ and the _need_ and the uncontrollable blackness that came from an intense orgasm was what made him nervous. He had cum, many times, since then, but he had never gotten to that desperate, begging, can’t-form-real-thoughts level of pleasure. Bucky knew full well that those moments didn’t happen every time—that would be exhausting—but he knew he was purposefully avoiding it and that was the problem.

Any kind of sex with Steve was amazing. Every time. Even when they were both tired and not fully into it and the climaxes were just alright, it was still incredible—just sharing that with Steve again after so many years. He trusted Steve with everything he had, he just didn’t trust himself. Bucky wanted to be able to let go. He wanted to not be scared of his own mind anymore. He wanted to stop punishing himself for things he had no control over and while that one was the most difficult things to face out of everything, Bucky knew he needed to. If he ever wanted to get back to any semblance of a “normal” life, he knew he needed to face some shit he didn’t want to. And this was a first step.

“Comfortable?” Steve asked, pulling Bucky out of his thoughts.

“Yes,” Bucky replied, wriggling around and sighing.

“Okay, here we go,” Steve whispered, mostly for himself.

He started with Bucky’s flesh hand, drizzling some of the massage oil onto his fingers. Steve pressed his thumbs into Bucky’s palm, moving in slow circles, before pulling tightly along each finger. Working up to Bucky’s wrist, Steve pressed and rubbed his skin, hard enough to feel it, but not enough to bruise. Steve slid his hands up Bucky’s arm, splaying his fingers out over Bucky’s firm muscles.

“Gosh, Buck. You been working out?” Steve joked, squeezing Bucky’s bicep.

Bucky pursed his lips, holding back a smile. “Maybe.”

Smiling to himself, Steve shifted further onto the bed to get a better grip at Bucky’s shoulders. He pressed harder, digging his fingers into the knots in Bucky’s neck until he groaned with pleasure.

“Why don’t you roll over,” Steve said quietly, patting lightly at one of Bucky’s sides.

He did so, pushing pillows out of his way and flopping onto his stomach, face laid sideways against the mattress. Steve knelt on the bed, straddling Bucky’s hips. After squirting a little bit more oil onto Bucky’s back, Steve leaned forward, putting a careful amount of weight onto his thumbs pressing into the back of Bucky’s shoulders. He let out a long moan as Steve worked his muscles, rubbing his fingers and knuckles in slow circles.

Steve spent a few minutes here, massaging the tight spots in Bucky’s upper back and neck, trying to make him as relaxed as possible. Once Bucky breathed out some of the tension, Steve moved lower, scooting back to get full access to Bucky’s ass. He added a touch more oil.

“How’re you feeling?” Steve asked, kissing the small of Bucky’s back.

“Good,” Bucky mumbled, face squished into the sheets. “The music is nice.”

Steve hummed in agreement, adding, “Remember when you used to sing around the house?”

Bucky snorted. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that.”

“No,” Steve said quietly, finally putting his hands on Bucky’s cheeks. “I loved it. You’ve always just had a way of taking my breath away, Buck.”

“God,” Bucky laughed. “You’re straight off the cob, you know that?”

“Can’t help it,” Steve whispered, leaning forward to kiss between Bucky’s shoulder blades. “I just love you too much.”

Bucky tried to control the smile spreading on his face as Steve pecked lightly down his spine, beginning to rub and squeeze at Bucky’s ass. Steve pawed at his cheeks, pushing them apart then back together again. He slid his slick hands up and down Bucky’s thighs, gently pushing a hand in between them to slide closer to Bucky’s groin. He moaned in response.

“Get onto your back again,” Steve instructed as he shifted to the side of the bed. “And spread your legs out.” The sudden dominant tone of his voice made Bucky’s cock twitch.

Up to this point, Bucky hadn’t been aroused really, just feeling relaxed and comfortable, but he felt himself immediately start to stiffen as Steve put his warm hands low on Bucky’s abdomen. Steve purposefully avoided touching Bucky’s growing erection, instead running his hands up and down around it, through coarse dark hair.

Bucky let out a long sigh, gripping at one of the towels at his side.

“Good?” Steve asked.

“Good.”

He continued ghosting his hands all around Bucky’s lower half without touching his dick or balls, trying his best to really get Bucky to the point of begging for it. After some long minutes, Bucky was fully hard, thick cock resting on top of his stomach. Finally, Steve took ahold of it, Bucky gasping in surprise.

“Oh, fuck…” He groaned, hips bucking upwards.

“Just relax,” Steve said kindly, putting his free hand reassuringly on Bucky’s hipbone.

Bucky blew out a heavy breath, letting go of his tight hold on the towel and softening his face.

“That’s it, sugar,” Steve purred, giving Bucky’s cock one slow pull. “Let me take care of you.”

Steve pumped at him a few more times, but the instant Bucky’s breath quickened, Steve removed his hand, dick falling heavily back onto Bucky’s abdomen. He did this a few more times, working Bucky up just a little bit further each time before letting go.

“Jesus Christ, Steve,” Bucky whined, hips writhing. “Oh, hell…”

“Not yet,” he replied, firm.

Bucky swallowed hard and tried to relax. Now would normally be about the point where he would commit, quickly reaching the point of no return and cumming satisfyingly, but controllably. As soon as Steve wrapped his hand around Bucky’s cock again, the blackness came creeping up in Bucky’s mind.

“Wait, wait, stop—” Bucky cried as his eyes shot open.

Steve immediately removed his hand, staring concerned down at Bucky whose chest was heaving.

“It’s okay, Buck, you’re safe. It’s just you and me, sweetheart.” Steve took Bucky’s flesh hand in his, squeezing tightly and rubbing at his knuckles.

Bucky peeked down at Steve kneeling between his legs. His eyes were wide as he looked at Bucky, slightly worried, but encouraging. Letting out another big sigh, Bucky laid his head back down, gripping tightly at Steve’s hand.

“Do you want to keep going?” Steve asked gently.

Bucky took a few moments to think about it. He was okay. He was safe and he was with Steve. It would be okay.

“Yeah,” he croaked out in reply. “Yeah, I’m alright.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

Before letting Bucky’s hand go, Steve kissed at his knuckles and whispered loving words as Bucky’s eyes slid shut again. He gripped Bucky’s now slightly softened cock, running one hand slowly up and down and lightly cupping Bucky’s balls with the other.

Bucky’s face screwed up before he put his hands on Steve’s to still them. “Wait—will you just…talk?” He started, impossibly quiet. “I want to hear your voice.”

Steve smiled sadly as Bucky removed his hands. “Of course, sugar,” he whispered, resuming his stroking. “You’re so beautiful, you know that, Buck? And you’re too good to me—still don’t know how I got so lucky.”

Bucky finally relaxed into the mattress, breathing steadily.

“I love you, Bucky,” Steve continued as he sped up his pace. “I love you so goddamn much. You make me so happy…no one else in the world has ever made me feel like you do.”

The mindlessness came creeping back up again, but Bucky forced himself to face it, listening to Steve’s sweet nothings and trying to focus on how good it felt.

“Knew it the second I met you,” Steve went on, pulling tighter, but quickly letting go as soon as Bucky made a satisfied noise. “I could tell right away there was somethin’ special about you.”

Bucky’s breath quickened, heartrate rising, but he wasn’t nervous. Just lost in the feeling.

Steve took ahold of him again. “Used to think about you when I was alone at night. Just lyin’ there in my bed, so fucking hard just _thinking_ about you.”

As soon as Bucky’s cock started leaking, Steve immediately let him go.

“Oh, fuck…” Bucky moaned, long and low. “Fucking hell, Steve, I—”

“Still can’t stop thinkin’ about you.” Steve continued pumping, twisting quickly when he got to Bucky’s dribbling, pink head. “You get me goin’ just as much now as you did when we were kids. Them big, brown eyes o’ yours…all those freckles. And those goddamn _dimples_.”

Choking out a small, “ _Please, Steve,_ ” Bucky writhed around, pulling at the towel under him.

Steve took his hands away again. “You’re so fucking gorgeous, sugar. Especially when I got you like this.”

Bucky started letting out uncontrollable grunts and groans, high pitched and desperate. “F-fuck,” he breathed. “ _Fuck_ , Steve.”

“Look at you, sweating and squirming around. You want to cum so bad, don’t you, Buck?”

He whined in reply, arching his back, legs trembling.

The oil provided an obscene, wet sound as Steve started jacking Bucky’s cock ridiculously fast. His free hand snuck up to Bucky’s chest, suddenly pinching a nipple painfully tight.

Bucky cried out, sucking in huge gasps of air. “O-oh my _god_ , S-Steve. Yeah…yeah… _yeah_ …”

And then all of a sudden, Steve’s mouth was around Bucky’s cock, warm and slick, sliding up and down his shaft as fast as Steve’s head would allow. Bucky’s brain immediately went dark and fuzzy and he was yelling out, eyes squeezed painfully shut, as he spurted thickly down Steve’s throat, hips thrusting with each shot.

Eventually, Bucky blinked his eyes open, unsure of exactly how much time had passed. Part of him wanted to be terrified, whether it was seconds or years, the familiar feeling of not knowing where he had been or what he had done wanted to take over. Then he saw Steve. Steve—settled comfortably between his legs, wiping at his face and looking at Bucky with the most wonderful and loving expression. And Bucky knew he was going to be okay.


End file.
